It’s Friday!! Dance with me!

It’s 5pm. I needed the weekend to get here SO BADLY this week.

Therefore I decided to search for something that really truly portrayed how I feel right now…

1:45 through 1:57 – I kid you not, I was at the edge of my chair wondering when/how he would reappear!

Not to mention the kicking. Oh the kicking.

The “Out of Closet” Pooper

Yesterday at work, I needed to poop. Yes, girls poop. Shocker of the year, I know. I’m aware that many/most/all men think that girls don’t burp, fart, or poop. But quite the contrary.

In my effort to find relief, I go a deserted ladies room and take a seat. It was nice and quiet and I could be at ease. Within 10 seconds, however, of me sitting down, the door to the ladies room swings open and I hear footsteps.

Dammit. Now I have to wait till she’s done before I can start!

She takes a seat next to me. In the stall next to me I mean.

And again, there’s silence.

I shuffle my feet a little so she knows I’m there.

Silence.

Several awkward seconds pass by, felt like eternity to be honest.

More silence.

OMG.

She was here to take a poop too!!! WTF!! I sat here first dammit!

In my frustration, I decided to take my business elsewhere. I walked out of that ladies room and went off to find another deserted one.

Luckily there are 5 sets of bathrooms in my new facility at work, so the odds of finding an empty one are pretty good.

I find the one closest to the original bathroom, pop my head it and check under the stalls.

Winner.

I take a seat again and the silence soothes me. Thank goodness.

When I walk back to my office, I recognize the shoes of the woman who had sat down next to me in the original bathroom. She, too, was walking back to her cubicle. Damn you for ruining my moment you out-of-closet pooper!!

I was then reminded of a guide for pooping at work that was released on craigslist back in 2006 and had to bring it back for your viewing pleasure!

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the hereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

When did we become that couple…?

My husband and I have been happily married for 2.5 years… hitting 3 years in October. We don’t have any kids yet, but are totally ready to be parents!

So we thought.

My nephews (ages 10 and 7) have come to stay with us for a week and a half for the first time ever. This is their first time out of the house this long without their parents. And it’s not like their parents, my sister and bro-in-law, are a few towns away, no they’re about a 4 hour flight away – back in Texas.

Thankfully (because I don’t know what I’d do without her), my mom is also here with them. She watches both of them all day, everyday, in the summertime, so she knows their quirks and needs throughout the day. My husband and I take over when we come home from work so she can do her thing, like take a walk, rest/relax, etc…

I absolutely love these boys. I do feel very close to them every time I go home or they come visit. They talk to me properly on the phone every time I call, and they tell me their stories all the time. The 10 year old was born when I was a freshman in college, so I definitely feel connected to him because I was so young, also because he was the first grandchild in our family. My sister and bro-in-law are great parents, that much I can definitely see. The boys listen to them really well.

But man do they tire me out! How is it that my husband and I are in bed before 10pm right now? This is only 3 weeks after we were out in the city until 11:30 pm on a Tuesday night for dinner and drinks with friends. Is this what’s gonna happen when we have kids? I mean I knowww that once the child is born, I can just forget about sleeping. Feedings every 2 hours, taking naps when the kiddo is sleeping, etc. Am I right?

But we jumped from no kids, to 2 very active boys who get bored at the drop of a hat. We don’t really have a ton of “kid stuff” around the house – couple of board games, deck of cards, the Wii… yeah that’s about it. So how do you keep them entertained??

Pretty sure this is NOT allowed... right?

Thankfully my husband is a 10 year old at heart πŸ™‚ so he plays and talks to them and keeps them entertained. I witnessed them playing War and Goldfish aka Go Fish for an hour tonight.

He also has a lot more patience than me, no surprise there though. But I think they listen to him because he’s a guy. Only my sister has a good hold on the boys. “I’m going to call your mom” actually freaks them out. So I have to work a little harder for them to listen to me. Which tires me out. Which is why I got in bed at 9:55pm today. They’re in bed by 9:30, my mom’s in bed by 9:45, so my husband and I look at each other, walk to our room, and go to bed.

This is what we have become… for now. Although I can’t lie… getting 8 hours of sleep a night has really become wonderful. I didn’t realize how much I missed getting so much sleep! I don’t think I can go back to the late nights, on weeknights OR weekends. I’d rather get in bed at 10 πŸ™‚

P.S. this is definitely nothing against my boys! I love them to death, always will. Just didn’t realize how hard parenting is! I’m bloody pooped folks. And I know my husband is pooped… he hasn’t snored this heartily in a loooong time. LOL poor baby!

God help me when it’s really our turn… seriously!

“I’m gay and you’re not funny”

Since 10pm ET last night until my ride into work this morning, the entire country has been buzzing about the American Idol finale and who won, and who performed, who made a fool of themselves, etc etc etc… I am FAR from being an Idol fanatic – I don’t care about it, don’t watch it.

That being said, the one thing that I found the most hilarious was the bit by Dane Cook and Ian Benardo. You may be wondering… who the heck is Ian Benardo?? Funny thing is, I had no idea who he was until this morning myself! And what’s even funnier is that he’s going to get his 15 minutes of fame and he’ll have a show on MTV in no time.

During some weird song number by Dane Cook dedicate to Simon Cowell, it looks like some of the Idol rejects were brought out on stage to participate and Ian took the mic and had his “Kanye” moment:

The NYC radio station 95.5 PLJ caught up with Ian last night after the show to find out what caused him to do that and if any of it was rehearsed. He said he was told to go up there and clap his hands like an idiot and he wasn’t about to do it. He continued on to say that Dane was so not funny and he was getting so annoyed by his song that he just grabbed the mic and went at it. What they cut out of the clip that they showed on the air was that he also said “Paula you look so great, I’m glad you’ve sobered up!” Β He was, but of course, escorted off the stage as the show went into an extra long commercial. The radio station asked him if Dane said anything to him after the show and he said yes he went off on him and cursed him out. All Ian said back to him was “I’m gay, and you’re not funny.”

Pure entertainment.

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