The “Out of Closet” Pooper

Yesterday at work, I needed to poop. Yes, girls poop. Shocker of the year, I know. I’m aware that many/most/all men think that girls don’t burp, fart, or poop. But quite the contrary.

In my effort to find relief, I go a deserted ladies room and take a seat. It was nice and quiet and I could be at ease. Within 10 seconds, however, of me sitting down, the door to the ladies room swings open and I hear footsteps.

Dammit. Now I have to wait till she’s done before I can start!

She takes a seat next to me. In the stall next to me I mean.

And again, there’s silence.

I shuffle my feet a little so she knows I’m there.

Silence.

Several awkward seconds pass by, felt like eternity to be honest.

More silence.

OMG.

She was here to take a poop too!!! WTF!! I sat here first dammit!

In my frustration, I decided to take my business elsewhere. I walked out of that ladies room and went off to find another deserted one.

Luckily there are 5 sets of bathrooms in my new facility at work, so the odds of finding an empty one are pretty good.

I find the one closest to the original bathroom, pop my head it and check under the stalls.

Winner.

I take a seat again and the silence soothes me. Thank goodness.

When I walk back to my office, I recognize the shoes of the woman who had sat down next to me in the original bathroom. She, too, was walking back to her cubicle. Damn you for ruining my moment you out-of-closet pooper!!

I was then reminded of a guide for pooping at work that was released on craigslist back in 2006 and had to bring it back for your viewing pleasure!

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the hereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

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9 Responses

  1. Gah! The worst is when someone else stinks it up, you come in to pee, but as your leaving someone else comes in and thinks you stunk it up. I usually just say, “wasn’t me!”

    • haha so you’ve been exposed to one of the above! Does your attempt to clear your name usually work?? When someone says that to me, I usually respond w/ “suuuure”

  2. Too funny!!! Although, the experience changes slightly after kids, at least it did for me. I might have to put up a post about it.

  3. ahahahha. thanks for making my day! lol

  4. hahah that was very funny πŸ™‚

  5. […] recently read a post about “TheΒ  ‘Out of Closet’ Pooper”Β  that I found hilarious.Β  I feel compelled to state that I am not normally a bathroom humor kind […]

  6. Here because of Paige above. Soooo funny!

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